Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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