I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
