Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
