Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
