I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
