I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Non-Jews are for practice
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
