Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My ass is underappreciated
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
