The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
