we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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