when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
