so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize