Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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