somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize