I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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