Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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