I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
