I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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