Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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