I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
