Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
