She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
