just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
