meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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