I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
