I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
