Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
