Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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