Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
