Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
