No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
