I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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