new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
