Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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