I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
