I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
