I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
