Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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