I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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