I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
