umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
