i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
