My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
