so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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