I can text with my tongue
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
