In the future we'll all be gay
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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