I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
