hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
