He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
