I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize