Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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