this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
