I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize