Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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